My hands are tied behind my back. They have been there for the past year, or at least that is how I’ve behaved. It’s hard to say if that’s the truth or not. Regardless, I have acted as if my hands were tied behind my back. I didn’t speak my truth to you, I didn’t share my feelings, and I didn’t pursue like I could, and maybe should, have.
I regret that so much.
At the core of who I am lies the truth that people matter more than anything, and people who are important to us matter enough that we should take every risk for them. Normally, that is what I do. I thought I was doing that with you, but I’m not so sure now. It had seemed that I was taking risks by not telling you how I felt, but perhaps I was playing it safe. Keeping my job, keeping you safe, working to protect you from my age, power, and influence so that you can figure things out before I woo you as I ought to woo the girl I’m falling for, was that risking it? I’m not sure.
And now you are walking away and it hurts like hell. My heart is breaking as you choose to let go of the struggle we’ve been through together. I get it, this has been an incredibly hard year for us both. I wish so badly I could cry right now over how challenging I made this year for you. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish that I hadn’t behaved as if my hands were tied behind my back. I’m so sorry.
Nothing can change the way our eyes meet across a room, however, so I do not live on wishes of the past but hope of the future. We have a connection, even now as you turn away from me to pursue something else. Even from across the room, our eyes can meet and that knowledge can fill us both that we know each other. Before you even told me your pains I saw them. We have a connection and I’m not sure its something we can escape.
So as you walk away, I have something to say. Maybe you will read this, I hope that you do. In any case, I must get my feelings out there and I always share deeply on this blog so others can be comforted if they are going through similar things.
As you walk away, you should know how much I care for you. The time I’ve spent praying for you. You ought to know that I held back my feelings and needs so yours could take precedent. I even held back from talking to anyone about you for as long as I could so that you would be safe in knowing that you had time and safety to figure out how you felt. Knowing me, you should know that it isn’t easy for me to not talk to my confidants about something going on in my life. I held back for 6 months before talking to someone you knew because I didn’t want anyone to talk to you and stress you out more.
You should also know that I am not giving up. You have become too important for that. I did not hold back for fear of losing my job, but for fear of how it would impact you for me to pursue you as I wanted. You need time for healing, and I wanted to give that to you. I still do, you don’t need a relationship and I get that, but I’m still good for you. I would argue that I’m probably one of the best people to have in your life. It would be good for you to consider how great I would be for you.
Look back and see how I took time and care for you this year. Let yourself truly examine my motives and see how I put you first, and try my best to continue to. Everything I did was an attempt to give you peace, assurance, security, and freedom to make your own decisions. Although those may not have been the outcomes, that was always my goal. It seems you may now be making a decision that moves you away from me and I beg you to reconsider.
Please, take time to consider how soft a touch I have on the areas of pain in your life. I challenge you to find a man (not Jesus) who can enter into the hardest places of suffering and hurt with such a gentle touch. That is the type of man you should want in your life. Consider me and how I have treated the most delicate and touching matters of your soul. I have shown you the utmost care, respect, and dignity. You will not find these types of traits in many other men, and very few who are as careful and considerate as I am. I may have a very boisterous and often inappropriate sense of humor, but I am also the most careful person when it comes to the pains of our past.
Lastly, look forward with me as I show you what I had hoped for, and want to still hope for, with you.
I looked forward to our first date, just after your graduation, the tension and pain of the past two years behind us. I have been hoping that you would come to camp that year so that we may take a walk together and connect not as staff and student, but as two compatible souls with finally a time to rest in each others company and in a beautiful locale. I looked forward with hope that the looks we share now would continue then with deeper knowledge of and appreciation for the one across from us as we learn of each others souls in deep conversation and sharing, as we have already begun to do. I looked forward to holding you in my arms and letting down the boundaries that keep me from comforting you as I would comfort any other person.
Right now I am hurt, and broken, and praying that God does a miracle and turns things around for us. I am praying that He turns you around to face the amazing man who wants to wait for you, and would pursue you were his hands not tied due to his position. Give me the chance to show you what you mean to me, even as you walk away.